


I Might Just Leave Soon

by BelleoftheBookstore



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anxious Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Arguing, Autistic Logic | Logan Sanders, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Spoilers for Episode: Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:21:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22503940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelleoftheBookstore/pseuds/BelleoftheBookstore
Summary: Roman makes a drastic decision after the events of "Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts" (pre-Sander's Asides: "Are There Healthy Distractions?", at least for now.) Meanwhile, Virgil finally reveals why his friendship with the fatherly side is fragmented. Can the two help each other? And what is going on with the other sides during all of this? We'll have to see...
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Kudos: 24





	1. Don’t Build Hope on Something Broken. (I’m Not Cartoon.)

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I did get the main title and chapter titles from Dodie's songs because she is amazing. I also need to give a shout out to Prince Alex’s YouTube channel because their theories helped me find the inspiration to write this. Let me know if I missed any tags. This fic will be a bit heavy, so please take care of yourselves. <3 Things will improve in time.

“I’ve come to a bit of a realization.” And it was true, Roman had come to a bit of a realization, but nobody seemed to care. 

Roman knew he was being dramatic. After all, they needed to make sure Thomas was okay. Thomas was the most important one. And he knew that. Plus if anyone else has said as many stupid things as Roman, no one would want to listen to that side either.   
This was what Roman was thinking about after he sunk out after the events of “Dealing with Intrusive Thoughts.” Well that and how much his head hurt.   
He was unusually quiet as Logan tended to his head wound and warned Roman to let him know if he noticed any concussion symptoms. He was sure that Logan thought that he was quiet out of embarrassment. If only it were that simple. Quickly after tending to his physical wounds and asking if Roman was okay (all he could do was nod back), Logan left, clearly preoccupied by how the guilt-ridden Patton and the anxious Virgil were handling the day’s unusual events, not questioning Roman’s unusual behavior. 

As soon as Logan left his room to check on the others, Roman summounded a piece of paper and a pen and began writing:   
Dear Fam-I.L.Y,   
I’m not that different than my brother. Not really. I know that I am better at being stereotypically charming and Remus is better at coming up with “frightening” ideas, but that is the only important distinction I see. I don’t understand why you guys treat him differently than how you treat me. If anything, I am more limited by Thomas’ concepts of “good” and “evil” on my own and honestly need the help. Maybe Remus is right and I can’t make serious and edgy content. Maybe that’s why you guys seem to think of me as this airheaded narcissist flying into the sun without someone there to rescue him.   
And the thing is, I’m tired of asking to be rescued from my own huburious mistakes when I’m not even sure if I’m worth the effort. You guys have better things to do. Maybe I’m just holding Thomas back from the life he should be living. Regardless, this isn't anyone's fault but mine. Please don't blame yourselves for my idiotic endeavors.  
And Remus, if you ever get to read this, I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you. I should have been a better brother, but I wasn’t. And I can’t even blame our long separation because you tried to get my attention for years through Thomas’ intrusive thoughts, but I did nothing... Except ignore you in the frantic search for this great idea that would make all the sleepless nights worth it. But I never found it and I hurt you in the process. I’m sorry if we made you feel like a bad person or isolated. I should have explained our history better. We’re the only ones who understand what we went through and it’s partially my responsibility to help the others get it too. I failed. It's too late for me to fix things. But you still have a chance.   
-Roman 

Roman was crying now as he folded the letter and placed it in an ornate envelope and onto his desk. His head started to hurt as he moved further into the imagination, but he knew that this had to be done. He could feel his connection to Thomas getting weaker now. And all he could do was hope he made the right call...


	2. I’m Not Bitter, I’m Just Tired, (No Use Getting Angry at the Way that You’re Wired.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The main reason for the tension between Virgil and Patton is revealed, but was Virgil a little too harsh in the way he confessed it to Patton or was it justifiable somehow? That's up to you and time to decide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Specific Trigger Warnings: Anxiety, arguing, friendship drama, parenting analogies, low self-esteem, swearing, compulsive lying, and intrusive thought mentions. Stay safe y'all.

“Because I was one of them.” The awkward silence was the worst part. He knew that Thomas was kind, even to the so-called dark sides. But Virgil couldn’t help but feel bad that he caused so many problems for Thomas… Panic attacks… Embarrassing moments… What made him better than any of the other "dark" sides? Remus and his intrusive thoughts? Deceit and his compulsive lying? He wasn’t better than them because he hurt Thomas too. For all of his talk about protecting Thomas, what if he wasn’t doing enough?

Virgil heard a gentle knock on his bedroom door, interrupting his train of thought. Virgil got up and opened it. Unsurprisingly, it was Patton.   
“Hey kiddo, are you doing okay?” Patton’s voice was quiet and calm. “I know that what just happened with Remus was a lot, for both of us.”  
“He knows.” Virgil tried to hide the fear he was feeling, but it didn’t work.  
“Yeah, we clearly can’t hide the fact that Remus exists from Thomas now.” Patton says with a nervous laugh.   
That’s the thing about Patton, Virgil thought. He never wants to talk about anything serious without acting like it’s the end of the world. Everything had to be a joke or otherwise comforting with Patton. He wasn’t sure why he was so mad at Patton. The fatherly side didn’t deserve this. He just knew that he hasn’t been able to look at him since the trial without feeling guilty and on edge. 

“No, that’s not what I meant. He knows now… about me…” Virgil pauses and tried to calm down.   
“Isn’t it a good thing that you’re starting to open to him?” Patton asked.  
“But what if I’m a burden to him? And my “good” qualities don’t make up for my bad qualities.” Virgil actually made air quotes with his fingers as he started to pace around his room. “I mean, he spends about as much, if not more energy, dealing with my panic attacks as he does with Remus’ intrusive thoughts, or the results of Deceit’s lies.”  
“True, but I’m sure he sees it differently.” Patton tried to console Virgil, but to no avail.  
“Why would he?!”   
“BECAUSE YOU’RE DIFFERENT!!” There was a pregnant silence in the room. “I’m sorry I shouted at you. I should know better than to do that when you’re anxious. I just wanted you to listen to me…” Looking back later, Virgil would remember the pain in his eyes, the barely concealed panic. But right now, Virgil could only pay attention to the gross error in his words.   
“I’M NOT THOUGH!!” Virgil responded. “That’s the thing I was freaking out about, if you couldn’t tell. I told Thomas that I used to be one of the others. And even though he probably had his suspicions, I still think that he probably sees me differently now and I can never take it back.” Virgil paused to push down the lump forming in his throat. “And you can treat me like your son and try to mold me into a better side, but nothing can be completely good or completely bad for Thomas. It’s not fucking possible.”  
“I never meant to-”   
“But you did.” Virgil’s exhaustion was evident in those three syllables. “Whenever you say that lying is wrong or that Remus’ thoughts are icky or when you used to call me a gloomy gus, it implies some sort of moral binary where there shouldn’t be one. And I will never feel like I belong here until you and Roman understand that better.” 

“Moral binary?” Patton practically whispered in response after another bout of silence. “That’s quite a phrase, kiddo. I’m going to talk to Logan and make sure I understand that.” He shut the door quietly, but not before saying.   
“Please talk to someone if you need to, kiddo. Even if that someone isn’t me…” And upon seeing the look of poorly concealed hurt on Patton’s face, Virgil realized that he may have been a little harsh.   
Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is a little heavy, but you will be rewarded in fluff eventually. I promise.


	3. Not What I Meant (When I Said That)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton feels like he's a terrible person, side, and father figure. Meanwhile, a tired Logan has to figure out how to help him feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter specific trigger warnings: Crying, low self-esteem, social awkwardness, implied panic attack, Let me know if I missed any. Be safe guys, gals, and non-binary pals. <3 Also, shout out to Sam O’Nella Academy on YouTube for giving me the inspiration for Logan’s weird distraction/relaxation technique. The video I mentioned is real and super interesting. Rewatching videos several times for that reason may be a thing I do in real life lol. (Not just with his channel though, I also like watching Vsauce, Kendall Rae, and Eleanor Neale for that purpose because I love science and crime solving stories.)

Logan opens his mouth, about to speak, before changing his mind and leaving without another word besides what he already told Roman about concussions. Roman merely nodded in response. This was odd behavior for the normally animated side, but it could be explained by the embarrassing nature of his injury and Roman’s complicated relationship with his brother, right? Maybe something else was going on, but Logan wasn’t sure. He was hardly the sign Roman would turn to for emotional help anyway, unless no one else was available. That much he knew… 

Not wanting his own insecurities to contribute to the turmoil Thomas was certainly feeling at the moment, Logan decided to retreat to his room and go on YouTube. He clicked on an animated fact video about plant diseases and listened to the familiar jocular voice in his earbuds tell him facts about ergot and broomrape. He may have listened to it at least twice prior, but the repetition calmed him. Given the stress of the last few days and how late it was, Logan was on the precipice of sleep when the video ended and Logan heard a timid knock on his bedroom door. Still somewhat jostled, Logan quickly stirred, heart pounding, ripped his earbuds out, and got up to answer the door. 

“Patton?” The side in question was standing in the entryway, looking different in a way that Logan couldn’t quite put his finger on.   
“Logan… do you happen to know what a moral binary is?”   
Logan hesitated. He was a little surprised that Patton would ask him about the meaning of words this late at night, but who was he to deny his polite request for information?  
“Well, taking the words apart, a binary is something composed of two parts and morality is a system of values. So a moral binary probably defines a worldview that consists of good choices-”  
Logan suddenly realizes that Patton’s eyes are very watery and tries to make his voice kinder, remembering the many times he had failed to notice the others’ response to his words until it was too late to do much about it.  
“A worldview that consists of good choices and bad choices…”   
“Where do you think I fall on such a binary?” Patton’s voice was extremely quiet.   
“What do you mean? You more than all of us strive to follow a moral code.”  
“That doesn’t mean I do a very good job at it.” Patton suddenly sounded angrier than Logan could ever remember him being. Logan’s tired mind urged him to pause, to make sure he understood what was going on here before the conversation was too far gone again. 

“Did I say something wrong?”  
Patton eyes widened. “Why on earth would you think you were the one who screwed this up? When you were the one that decreased the tension with your facts and logic… It was me. It is always me…” Tears were silently running down his face now and Patton started aggressively rubbing at his face in an attempt to quell them, moving his glasses in the process.   
That can’t be good for his eyes or his glasses, Logan thought. So he awkwardly and hesitantly put his arm on Patton’s shoulder, trying to calm him, but not knowing if he wanted to be touched.   
Patton appeared to get the message and immediately wrapped his arms around Logan, who returned the gesture, surprised. 

“I’m… s-sorry... I’m trying, but it’s clearly not enough… I never do the right thing… I’m t-terrible…”   
“Shh, you can’t logically be responsible for every problem in Thomas’ life, darling. So you shouldn’t blame yourself for everything either.” Logan was rubbing circles on his back with his hands, something he remembered Patton doing for him once. His touch seemed to have broken the dam and Patton was crying more than Logan had ever witnessed. As Patton leaned on him, Logan tried to exaggerate his regular breathing pattern to encourage Patton to follow. 

By the time Patton had calmed down a little, Logan felt exhausted, so he could only guess how Patton felt. It finally occurred to Logan that Patton probably needed liquids and sleep.   
“Why don’t we go into the living room and I’ll make some tea?”   
Patton nodded and Logan guided him to the couch, which he immediately flopped down on while Logan went to the kitchen to busy himself with the chamomile. When he got back, mugs in hand, Patton was curled up in a ball. After setting the mugs down, Logan pulled a blanket against him, gently removed the other side's glasses, placed them next to the tea mugs, and said,  
“You should probably get some sleep.”   
Patton straightened his body and reached for Logan's right hand.   
“Stay?... Please?...”   
In response, Logan put his own glasses next to Patton's, climbed on the edge of the couch, lifted a small corner of the blanket, and wrapped his arms around the other.   
“We can talk about what happened in the morning and figure out how to move forward. Right now, sleep is what’s best for all of us.”

Unsurprisingly, both the tea mugs and the glasses were abandoned until the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place at the same time as the next chapter. However, I posted this first because I felt like writing some fluff in these stressful times (both in this story and in my personal life). I hope you enjoyed. :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys. I'm back and writing fan fiction again. Briefly, but still. I've done a lot of writing this month for school, so it's nice to mix it up with something a little less serious. :) I hope you have found some sort of enjoyment out of my dramatic ideas. Please let me know what you think of them.


End file.
